Heart Revision
3 min read
“I cannot perform the necessary procedure on myself. I need to choose to relinquish whatever control I thought I had and let Him be the one to change my heart.”
“Maturing” in my life had been about becoming wiser and smarter at faking it. “Growing” as a Christian had consisted of hiding my bad thoughts behind Scripture verses and “godly” quotes.
It hadn’t been a complete makeover. It hadn’t been tearing down the house, from the foundation up. Not even close. It had been putting wallpaper over cracked walls, painting over scuffs, putting buckets under leaky ceilings.
When have temporary fixes ever made things better? They barely serve the purpose of keeping things from getting worse.
I have been guilty of halfheartedly setting out on tasks, but this was my biggest shortcoming of all. My failure at the task of inward transformation. There are no shortcuts. There are no alternate routes.
There is only one Way, and it is very narrow, very uncomfortable. It is scattered with tolls and a bit of traffic—mostly caused by rubbernecking... “What is that person over there doing?”
According to Jesus, I was a murderer and an adulterer. He cannot lie. My own thoughts convicted me.
How many times had I killed others by harboring Hatred? How many affairs had I been apart of by fostering Lust?
What was wrong with me?
I wrote down my symptoms.
Envy, idolatry, selfishness. These were only a few—oozing, wheezing, and emanating from my very being.
I was aiming for things so far below my Creator, hoping they would satisfy me and make me, the created, feel safe.
Power. Love. A sound mind. Three gifts from three Persons, one God.
Fear has no place here, although my flesh was well-versed in it. I was very knowledgeable about the buts in my life.
God is good.
BUT... My father died. That hurt.
God is good.
BUT... My career took a left turn. What is my purpose? Has my value changed?
God is good.
BUT... Just look at my financial difficulties. Which side is up? Which side is down?
God is good.
BUT...
The buts uncovered a false revelation in my mind that God’s goodness didn’t actually exist.
I knew it was a lie. I knew it was from Satan. The presence of this thought shocked me. How much it sounded like my own voice in my head. How my mind and soul could believe two different things. How they could be living two completely different lives within one vessel.
He is in charge, but He gives me...
Free will.
So much responsibility, and yet it cannot be any other way. There is no love without choice. I need to choose.
But the choice doesn’t involve any work of my own. I cannot perform the necessary procedure on myself. I need to choose to relinquish whatever control I thought I had and let Him be the one to change my heart.
“Maturing” in my life is now being different than I was before... truly evolving in a Godward direction. “Growing” as a Christian now consists of allowing the suffering to mold me with the hands of God Himself.
I know I am incapable. He knows that, too. His Spirit was given to me and lives in me to help me do the impossible... but He will never force my hand.
He softly nudges me in the direction of Love. He gently whispers in my ear the truth of the Truth’s love for me. I am worthy. I am His.
I return to You again, O Lord. Use me as you see fit.
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Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10